1. Despite having just thoroughly and comprehensively pursued the beauty counters of Myer, I will do the same if I go past David Jones – you never know, there might have been something new released in the last five minutes.
2. Every time I open the cupboard under the bathroom sink, all my “rejects” will attempt their escape from the beauty wasteland, and I will spend five minutes picking it all up and shoving it all back in, praying this time I can get the doors closed.
3. Packing beauty products for travel will always be a long, drawn out process, and choosing between this theBalm blush and that MAC blush will always resemble a Sophie’s Choice type situation.
4. I’ll run into Priceline for “just some hair bands!” and walk out with two dry shampoos, the new Bioderma range, three new liquid lipsticks, a nail polish and a false eyelash applicator. “But it was 40% off!!”
5. The thought that people may go through life without experiencing the glory that is Anastasia Brow Wiz is genuinely frightens me.
6. Coming to terms with the realisation that two previously unimportant strips of hair on my face now need to be painstakingly cultivated, painfully manicured and involve more planning and execution than the release of Benefit’s They’re Real! Eyeliner, all the while being subjected to judgement by the beauty brethren/the person who threads my brows/randoms on the street.
7. Family members are no longer startled by the outraged shriek from behind the laptop screen emitted every time MAC releases a new collection five minutes after the last one. “ARE YOU TRYING TO SEND ME BROKE?!”
8. A “good eyeliner day” is just a good day full stop.
9. I don’t buy into hype… until I buy into hype.
10. Borrow my Tom Ford lipstick and erase the TF insignia, and I erase you.
11. “Yes there is a difference between this liquid lipstick and the one I have in the exact same shade at home, and I’m more than happy to discuss the key differences, features and benefits of each at length with you.”
12. Crooked feline flicks happen to good people. Same goes for oxidised foundation.
13. The day I nail that tricky, four-shade eyeshadow look, is the day my hand slips while doing my (instantly setting, blacker than black) eyeliner.
14. The ever present threat of discontinued products and “new formulations” is real and I’ve got the ‘back-ups’ to prove it.
15. Napoleon Perdis’ moments of poetry genius and witty turns of phrase become my mantras to live by. We all know ‘Not to Prime is a Crime’, but I don’t think “Fight Fate and Hydrate” gets enough airtime.
16. My new walk of shame is visiting my local Mecca for the third time that week(end).
17. The creator of MAC’s 217 brush is a god sent from the heavens to ensure us mere mortals can too have perfectly blended eyeshadow.
18. Discovering dupes of high end products will be moments of intense satisfaction… But I’ll still end up buying the real thing anyway.
19. What’s ‘savings’?
20. What’s ‘restraint’?
21. I’ll confidently bypass a product that doesn’t interest me at all… until I see it look amazing on someone else, after which I must possess it immediately.
22. Highlighting concealers will be forever misunderstood.
23. There is no such thing as having “too much makeup”, only “not enough storage space”.
24. “At least I don’t have a heroin addiction” has become a perfectly acceptable justification for my spending habits.
25. Trying not to harbor too much bitterness towards my Sydneysider friends and their imminent access to the mothership Sephora is a daily battle.
26. Attempting a Kim K. contour for the first time is never going to end well.
27. Cara Delevingne’s eyebrows look good on… Cara Delevingne.
28. YouTube tutorials are the new prime time TV.
29. I avoid talking to beauty civilians about my latest NARS acquisition for fear they may lapse into a boredom-induced coma they may never recover from.
30. “Fair beauty prices for all” are words I live by, and the day Sephora announced they were honouring US prices was a happy, happy day, right up there with my wedding day. Obvs not. Maybe a bit.